A little ain't enough
by DarkSabertooth
Summary: Co-written by myself and Felidae this story shows what happens when Logan wakes up in bed with Jubilee and Ororo and it all goes down hill from there.Be warned that a warped mind is needed to read this story.
1. A Little Aint Enough

A little ain't enough 

Wolverine woke up, when the sun tickled his nose. He moved his mouth, and registered the strange taste on his tongue.

'Must 've been one hell of a night', he thought; rubbing his stubby chin on the velvet, bronze shoulder resting on his… Logan's eyes popped open. 

What was Storm doing in here? He looked up and down her body, clenched his eyes, counted to ten, and opened them again. 

Ororo was still naked, just like himself, and fast asleep. He tried to pull his arm from under her back, when he felt a leg brushing his ankle and wrapping itself around his shin. Risking an eye, Logan spotted honey-coloured limbs, a shock of jet-black, silky hair and a face, he would have been thrilled to see at every other time or place, but here.

"Jubes, oh god, darlin', what'd Ah do?" 

Even as he spoke, Storm woke up, snuggled closer and hushed adoringly:

"Good morning, lover, I hope you slept well."              Logan gazed at her, nodded feebly, and then uttered: 

"Ro, what's going on here? Why am Ah in bed with both of you? And most of all, how did _she get in here?"                He pointed at Jubilee, who was still snoozing. Storm stretched herself like a cat, then laid her head on Wolverine's chest and purred:_

"Well, let us say, we all drank a little too much last night, all felt the need to satisfy primal urges, and had a _very passionate encounter. Literally." _

Logan furrowed his brow.                                                                               "That doesn't explain what Jube's doing in my bed! She's just a kid; she shouldn't be involved in… in… whatever it was we did!"

Ororo gave him a twisted smile that raised some _very primal thoughts in him. _

"Logan, she is twenty-four years old, and after last night she is not a child any longer. Besides, it was her, who hauled you here, and I stayed on _her request!"  _

Jubilee mumbled sleepily, her hand tapping over Logan's body:

"Stupi' clock, kill th' wake-up, kill the wake-up!" 

Her sapphire eyes blinked, then widened. She gasped and froze, her fingers fondly on Logan's lips. Panting, she managed:

"Oh god, Ah'm so deadahmsodeadahmsodead…" 

Before he or Storm could reply, somebody knocked on the door, and Jean's voice sounded into the room: 

"Logan? Have you seen Ororo anywhere?"            Involuntarily, he heard himself saying

"What?" and Jean, Rogue and Hank stepped in. 

'Ah'm dog meat', was the last Logan thought, before hell broke loose. 

Logan saw himself roasting on a stick and Xavier and Scott personally blowing air in the fire…Jean and Rogue sharpening the knifes, and the rest of the X-Men just waiting for a piece of him… 

Jean's jaw just hung there…as if her facial muscles had stopped working. Rogue had this blank expression with a slow, but steady blush building.

Hank looked, as if he were about to blow a gasket, but astoundingly remained calm.

"Might I be allowed to be so rude, as to inquire, what have transgressed to produce this obviously embarrassing situation?"

"That would be sex", Ororo said plainly. 

Logan almost choked at her words and started looking around for something to cover up with.

"That much I gather, it however does not explain the third party present in this current setting." 

Hank looked over at Jubilee and suddenly realized something.

"However, I would assume that I should with most haste vacate the room, before this situation escalates because of my presence."

Logan tried to sink deeper into the bed, but Jubilee used his body to hide behind.

"I see an impending death if ya don't start talking, Sugah!" growled Rogue in a stern tone.

Ororo wanted to reply, but Jean shook off her trance and started screaming at the top of her lungs-physically and mentally.

"What the hell are you doing there, Logan? Have you lost all your shame, or are you simply through with all the hookers at the 'Auger Inn'? And you? Shouldn't you be studying or something, Missy?"

Logan and Hank winced; having enhanced hearing was _so not fun these days._

Ororo tried to intervene:

"Jean, please, listen wha-"

"-disgusting display of sexual-"

"Jean I know, you are right, but-"

"-and to top it off, you act as if-"

"Jean, SHUT UP!"

Everyone stared at her, dumb folded.

Ororo called up a windgust, forcing the sheets to cover herself and her bedmates. Sighing, she continued:

"I am sorry, I did not mean to yell at you, Jean, but you have to listen. Believe me, there is a perfectly understandable reason for our current…situation."

Jean snorted.

"Oh, yeah, I can _see the reason why you slammed sheets with Mr. 'I'm-the-best-there-is-at-what-he-does' stinking Logan, but I don't see the need for Miss 'Fourth of July!"_

Ororo coked a brow.

"Why, would you have preferred, if I had lay down with you, best-friend?"

Hank stifled a chuckle; Rogue clasped her hands in front of her mouth and started giggling hysterically, even as Warren and Gambit sauntered in.

Having caught only the last comment, Remy asked:

"W'o's gonna lay down wit'-sacre cœur, tu as eu beaucoup de chance la dernière nuit, n'est-ce-pas?"

He let out a whistle, while Warren couldn't make up his mind to either gag or drool.

Just then, Scott passed by, in search of his wife, glanced in Logan's room, blinked, blinked again, and then decided, that he had not seen anything, and continued to his office. Bobby dropped in, took one look and slid back to his room to get his camera. This was worth dying for.

Meanwhile, Jean had found her voice again and queried:

"I don't believe you would have really done that?"

Ororo rolled her eyes.

"Of course not, Jean, how can you think so low of me?"

The red-head swallowed hard, then asked in her sweetest voice:

"Oh, and why not, if I may ask?"

She ignored the clicking of Bobby's camera; Popsicle could wait.

"Well, aside that you are a married woman and my best friend, you are not exactly my type-"

"Yeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh!"

With a mad scream, Jean leapt at Storm, grabbed a fist-full of the windrider's white hair and pulled her to the floor, where they instantly broke into an open catfight.

Logan gawked in surprise, while Jubilee encouraged Ororo. Warren had decided to drool; Gambit took bets on the winner, while Rogue almost choked on her guwaffs.

Hank repeatedly asked Bobby for a copy of the best shots, inbetween commenting the brawl.

In a moment of incautiousness, Jean found herself bowing over Ororo's left thigh, her friend's knee digging into her belly.

Her hands were pinned on her back, and an elbow in the back of her head prohibited her to focus on her powers.

Ororo smiled smudgy, raised her right hand and said in a tight, triumphous tone: 

"My, my, we have been a nasty little girl, haven't we, Mrs. Summers? I guess a little punishment will help you cool off."

Several jaws dropped two flights, when Ororo's palm struck Jean's upward pointing butt with a loud clasp.

The telepath screamed, half in fury, half in humiliation, her face mimicking the color of her hair.

It was too much, and the viewers collapsed in hilarity, as Storm continued the torture.

Back from the office, Scott stopped at the door, turned deadly white, then deep purple and stuttered:

"Please tell me, this is _not happening!"_

Hank replied between two rows of laughter:

"Oh, hehehee, oh fearless leeheheheaheader, I am afraid..that…that what you see, is..is very well true! Hheheeehahaw!"

Scott could see that, but still couldn't believe it:

Storm, opening a can of whoop-ass on _his wife and __her best friend? _

Shaking his head, Cyclops decided to call in a vacation for the whole team, maybe then the tension would lay off.

But first, he would check on his painkiller stocks, he could feel a migraine rising again.

2

Wolverine strolled through the woods, pouting. Everything and everyone was tense in the mansion:

Scott didn't talk to Jean because he was scared, Jean didn't talk to Storm, because she was still mad for the spanking, Ororo didn't talk to either of them, and Jubes-cripes, she hadn't talked with anyone since the happening.

Suddenly, Wolverine picked up the scents of Jubilee and Sabretooth. A wide grin appeared on the Canadian's mug and he snikted his claws.

'Geez, thanks Creed! If I save Jubes from you she'll launch herself at me and all'll be fine cozy again between us!' he thought, as he took off in direction of the smells, whistling "Zippa-de-doo-da".

Jubilee sat on a rock, Sabretooth's head in her lap, and was feeding the feral with grapes.

She knew, that since she was all grown up, she was free to date whoever she chose. She always had been good at making up her own mind and she was quite pleased with her new choice of boyfriend.

Unfortunately, she was going to have a major problem, if either Logan or Remy found out.

"Are ya ok, Jubes?" asked Creed, with concern showing in his amber eyes.

"Oh, I'm fine, Vic. I'm just worried about what will happen, if we get found out. Wolvie would kill you", replied Jubilee.

"Don't ya worry, darling. It ain't got nothing ta do with the runt", assured Creed.  

He kissed Jubilee, and for a moment, she forgot all he troubles.

That's when Wolverine came bolting out of the bushes and stopped dead in his tracks.

"What the *§¢&'s going on here? Why aren't ya fighting? I'm supposed ta be rescuing Jubes from yer claws, but…"  
Jubilee shook her head.

"No such do so, Wolvie, because Vic's my new boyfriend, and I won't have _you, or anybody else, hurt him."_

Flocks of birds shot up from the trees.

When the scream died down, Remy came running, ready to help his teammate. The sight that greeted him was worse than seeing Jean without make-up.

Remy gulped, paled, turned to Logan, who silently wept, and muttered:

"Please t'ell me, dis is not w'at it look like!"

Weeping silently, Wolverine could only nod.

The birds, which had resettled, rose again.

3

Inside the mansion, Emma Frost relived the actions of that famous night through Storm's mind.

She had drugged the windrider with her favorite wine, and now enjoyed the broadcasting of the African woman's memory. She had also learned about her affection for both Logan and Jubilee, and that they both returned her love.

What really bugged her though was, where the **hell did the girl learn those techniques?**

(Emma had always considered herself the majestrix of the bit**es, that's why the name 'White Queen', but Jubilee was a potential rival.)

She actually spat out the rest of Chardonnay '86 swirling in her mouth, when a particular image hit her.

"I don't know that move! How come she knows it, and I don't? I'm the mother of all things pervert!" she yelled.

Bobby, who had accidentally strolled in, stared at Emma.

Frost jumped him, grabbed his shirt and screamed:

"I'm the one who gives crib notes to frigid husbands! I'm the one, who can blush the red menace with but three words! 

Nobody knows better than me, where to buy the most offending leather outfits, bondage and fitting whips! Doesn't that make me the bi*** of all bit**es?

Doesn't it?"

"Su-sure, whatever you say, Ma'am!" Iceman managed, shivering in horror at the White Queen's quote, then broke out in tears. 

"BOBBY" The roar echoed through the house, and Drake stopped crying instantly, only to turn real pale and jerk out of Emma's grasp. Creating an ice slide, he muttered:

"Oh god, oh crap, Hank's gonna kill me for sure! Guess I'll be moving to Antarctica, have a nice live, Em!" 

With that, he moved out of the room and down the hall, precisely eight seconds before a very furious Beast, sporting a military haircut and a blue-and-white-striped fur appeared in the door.

Waving a Twinkie of indefinite color, he growled:

"Pardon me, Miss Frost, you wouldn't happen to know the whereabouts of my mischievous hypothermic teammate do you? I need to teach him, not to violate my Twinkie stock, by filling them with mustard and cheese!"

Emma pointed at the melting ice slide, and Beast followed the trail with a loud "Eureka!"

Meanwhile, Jubes and Vic had nearly reached the house, followed by a whimpering Logan and a crying Remy.

Jubilee chattered happily about make-ups and movies, while Sabretooth listened in awe.

They arrived at the main entrance, when the door flew open and a wave of ice approached them.

Logan and Gambit ducked for safety and Jubilee managed a side-flip, but Creed had been to caught up in Jubilee's talking, to get out of harm's way.

Bobby's slide hit him full-blast, freezing him to the bone, even as hank bolted out of the mansion and knocked him over.

"CRASH!"

With a loud noise, Sabretooth shattered into several pieces, none of which smaller than a hand.

Wolverine and Gambit stared at the mess, then ran up to Beast; who desperately tried to apologize to both Vic and the raging Jubes, while collecting the feral's remains; and hugged and smooched him fiercely.

"Very smart, ya know, Blue, as in not at all! Just how are ya planning on fixing my new boyfriend, huh?" Jubilee screamed.

Hank, carrying the shards in his lab coat, said something about melting and freezing him back to his original form, and retreated to the Med Lab.

"Well, chère, Remy t'ink you 'ad better stuck wit' our local feral, at least 'e be more durable, non?" Gambit teased Jubilee, who let out a _very colorful curse and ran to her room, ranting about Cajuns and Canucks._

When Scott came back from shopping in the evening, Logan and Remy were still square dancing on the porch, singing "Honky-Tonk Blues".

Thanks to Beast's medical expertise and Creed's healing factor, the feral mutant made a swift recovery.

However, he wanted nothing more to do with the X-Men.

"Sorry, Jubilee, but it ain't gonna work out. I'm leaving ya", said Creed, as he walked off.

"Oh no!" cried Jubilee, as she broke down in tears.

Logan and Remy went over to comfort her. Then Scott came in and saw the distraught Jubilee and set out to comfort her as well.


	2. Red Menace Rising

Jean Grey was not a happy woman. In recent years her red hair was dependant on dye and the wrinkles were beginning to show. In short she was starting to get old. What's more it was her time of the month and she was in a foul mood. Also it increasingly seemed that Emma Frost was taking over the roles of beautiful female telepath and b*tch queen which Jean considered hers alone.

"I'll show that little b*tch just what I'm capable off. My husband keeps having these thoughts about her and Logan only has eyes for Jubilee now. Jubilee's young and beautiful and I'm insanely jealous of her. Remy is charming and handsome and he knows it so he needs to be taken down a peg or two. I will have my revenge on all of them."

The Red Menace was practically frothing at the mouth by the time she had finished her little rant. Then she thought up an evil plan and smiled contentedly.

Jean as everyone knew was a very vengeful woman although she tried to hide it behind her 'big sister' attitude. However the façade went right out of the window when she saw Scott comforting Jubilee.

"I'll teach you to choose that brat over me!" she hissed and snatched several bottles of tranquilizers from out of the med lab. Then she raided Jubilee's sugar bombs, Logan's whiskey, Remy's bourbon stock and Scott's toothpaste. After that she locked herself in the laundry kitchen.

Jubilee was still sad at the loss of her boyfriend. But not very much since Logan and Remy almost fell over themselves buying her candies, perfume, flowers and such like. However even the most spoiled girl has to eat so she went down to the kitchen to grab herself a snack.

Entering the kitchen, Jubilee found Logan, Remy, Warren and Bishop having a drinking contest. The only reason that Logan was allowed to join in was if he drank four shots of whiskey for every can of beer to keep his healing factor busy. Scott sat at the end of the table eating garlic bread and mozzarella cheese while Jean played the dutiful wife.

This was just a façade since she had placed the idea of the contest into Warren's mind and then made Bishop push some buttons on Logan and Remy's pride to prove themselves as men. Since she knew Scott scarcely touched alcohol she had induced in him a great lust for garlic, cheese and all manner of halitosis inducing food making sure he would need to brush his teeth.(Scott even brushed his teeth after drinking coffee so that was a safe play!) Jubilee meanwhile had taken her beloved sugar bombs from the pantry, poured a great detail into a bowl, soaked them with milk and then eaten three bowls of the drugged cereal.

Jean smiled sweetly now that candidate two had just entered the ring. Logan drinking his whiskey with the tasteless and odorless tranquilizer would start feeling sleepy in a couple of hours when the others would already be out cold.

Gambit was the last to fall because Jean knew of his habit of drinking three glasses of bourbon each night before bed so she had taken care of that too.

"I am a genius." Jeans private thoughts were actually being broadcast loud and clear to the White Queen who was busy trying on a new trouser suit. A frown marred her perfect features as the White Queen made a note to investigate these matters further. It would just have to wait though as after this was leather.

It was a simple matter for Jean to get her victims into bed and arrange them in suitable positions. Flushed with success she decided to advance another one of her little plots, the seduction of Hank. The thought of snuggling up next to that warm soft blue fur was sheer bliss. The thought of strong arms embracing her and large but gentle hands caressing her made her feel quite aroused.

Emma was shuddering with revulsion at the thought of poor Hank in the clutches of Jean Grey. Hank certainly deserved a much better woman than Jean. Emma decided to telephone her fuzzy blue friend purely to warn him of Jeans machinations of course. She could inform him over a nice romantic dinner. Or maybe she could tell him as they were engaging in certain other activities.

Hours Later

Logan opened his bleary eyes and gazed fondly at the still sleeping form of Jubilee. She just looked so sweet sleeping there so peacefully. Her head was pillowed on one of his arms while one hand was draped lightly across Remy's chest. Say what? Jubilee had been sleeping with both him and Remy at the same time?! Memories of the last time with Storm and Jubilee came rushing back to him.

Logan gave a sudden start as he recognized another lingering scent. He also suddenly realized that the hand resting on one stubbly cheek didn't belong to a woman. To his horror he recognized exactly who this hand belonged to. Scott Summers! He had been sleeping with Jubilee, Remy and Scott. If not for his healing factor he would have had a coronary right there and then.

"Jubilee, Remy, Scott, wake up would ya," yelled Logan. Everybody woke up and for several minutes silence reigned as the shock took hold. Then everybody started talking at once as they frantically tried to work out just what had happened. Then they all remembered exactly just what had been going on. Then there came the noise of Scott violently vomiting, Remy cursing in French, Jubilee sobbing hysterically and Logan using quite unrepeatable language.

Logan's healing factor once again narrowly saved him from a fatal cardiac arrest as he remembered just what he had been doing with Scott.

I'm the best there is at what I do and what I do isn't nice had apparently taken on an entirely new meaning.

If Logan had realized that these memories were false ones implanted by Jean Grey he would quite happily have eviscerated her without a moment's hesitation.


	3. Now We Know The Truth

Hmmph, I'm really not a writer, forgetting to put the disclaimer ect, first. Well, I'll just add it here…

Disclaimer: Standard, nothing's mine, yadda, yadda, yadda, all Marvel.

My thanks go to the entire crew of the W&J page, but most of all, to my co-writer and wielder of chaos, DarkSabertooth.

Thanks for everything, folks. 

If you've gotten this far with the story, you've crossed the border to pure insanity, and there's no way back. Welcome to Loonsworld!

4

Jubilee was calming down Logan, as a particular, horrifying memory hit her full blast. 

She started screaming at the top of her lungs, and in less than two minutes, Remy's bedroom was crawling with X-Men.

Rogue tried to strangle Gambit, while Storm comforted the embarrassed, sobbing Jubilee.

And Jean? 

Well, she was running for an Oscar, as she whispered tearfully:

"Oh god, Scott, how could you do this to me? I thought I was the only one you loved!"

Turning around, she buried her face in Hank's blue fur and cried fake tears.

Scott wanted to defend himself, but another fake memory, sent to him by his wife, caused him to turn white and green. He started to wretch and rushed for the safety of the bathroom.

Emma cocked a brow and eyed Jean thoughtfully.

The redhead's shoulders were shaking, not from weeping, but of barely controlled laughter.

Her plan was coming together rather nicely, now it was time to play her last card.

"I loved you so much, but this…this is more than I can take! I want a divorce, and I **never want to see you again!" howled the red menace at the closed bathroom door.**

'_Why, you little, two-timing, lying witch!__ No one__, not even Scott, deserves to be married to such a harpy!' the White Queen thought by herself._

'_I must correct this misconstruction, and I think, I know just how __to do that.'_

Gently entering the confused minds of the victims of Jean's wrath, Emma caused the suppressed memories of how the red menace had dragged them here, to reappear.

Then she delayed them for a few hours, so they would pop up at different times.

She had a more urgent task:

Saving Hank from Phoenix' grasp-she wanted the big blue doctor all for herself, and Emma was not known to share her toys…

Remy smoothly washed his bruised body under the shower, trying not to pull off the various bandages covering his limbs and chest.

Rogue had turned rather violent after the event, and throwing him out of the window had been one of her more tender moves.

Touching his black eye, Remy heard a mean voice whisper:

'_Rotten little Cajun bastard, my eyes are much greener than the southern chick's! I won't have you telling that floozy about emeralds__ and rosebud lips__! Just wait…'_

Gambit looked around, puzzled, then realized, it had been Jean's mind-voice.

And then he remembered the strange aftertaste of the bourbon last night…

5

Some time later, Scott was just getting some breakfast, when Logan walked in.

Shuddering, he remembered running his hands through that raven hair the last night, and his surprise at how soft those muttonchops were.

And how much Logan liked being called Wolvie.

Tension was heavy, as the two men ate in silence.

"Cyke, 'bout last night", Logan finally broke the silence.

"I just want to die", sobbed Scott.

"Yeah, so would I if we really had done those things. I doubt we did, though", said Logan.

"What do you mean?" asked Scott warily.

"Well, ya know how good my sense of smell is. I could smell you on me; after all ya had yer hand on my cheek. 

The thing is, that was all I smelt, not the _other sort of smell", muttered Logan._

"Other sort of smell??" queried Scott.

"Yeah, if we had, ya know, I would' a smelt it", said the feral.

"You-you mean, I didn't do any of those things, like running my hand along your muttonchops?" hushed Scott.

"Course ya didn't," growled Logan, " ya think, ya'd still be breathing, if ya had?"

He was astonished to see Scott suddenly burst into tears.

The leader was so relieved, that he just broke down right in front of Logan.

Wolverine was a bit taken aback, but felt compassion stir in him.

Putting his arms around Scott, he hugged him close and comforted him.

"It's alright, Cyke. It wasn't real. I'm here for ya now, and I'll get to th' bottom o' this, I swear", said Logan.

Scott was surprised by this side of Logan, he so rarely saw. Somewhat bewildered, he said the first thing that came to his mind:

"Logan, you are beautiful!"

It was at this point that Bobby walked in to see Scott apparently declaring undying love for Logan, while the latter was cuddling him.

"Oh my god, I think I'm gonna die!" cried Bobby, as he ran for the nearest toilet.

Within half an hour everyone in the building came to know Bobby's version of what Scott and Logan had been up too… 

"Jubilation, please, try to compose yourself. It is not healthy if you cry that much, never mind how bad that remembrance was," Ororo soothed, trying to comfort the younger woman.

"You don't understand," sobbed Jubilee, "what I…we did, was so…so…oh god, I can't even _say it!" _

She started crying again, and Storm sighed.

"Perhaps if you…describe what troubles you, in a metaphorical manner?" She looked hopefully at her girlfriend.

Sniffing, Jubilee wiped her eyes and whispered:

"Canuck-Gumbo-sandwich!"

 Ororo blinked, paled, and blinked again.

"Oh goddess, no wonder, you are so upset! I do not think I could bear that in my mind!"

Jubilee stopped weeping instantly and her head shot up. Furrowing her brow, she asked:

"What did you just say?"

"That thought in your mind?"

Jubilee nodded, as a memory rose to the surface of her consciousness-among with a realization.

"Ya know, I start to think, the whole thing was a hoax. I mean, after such a night, I should be kinda, well-_sore!" She blushed furiously._

"But instead, it's like nothing happened, I don't feel any different than last night, when I went to bed. That means…"

The image of dyed red hair, bottle-green eyes and a very familiar voice, popping up in her mind, made her trail off.

"It _was a flunk! That witch drugged us somehow and put us all in Remy's bed to get us into trouble!"_

Slamming her right fist into her left palm, Jubilee hissed:

"Just wait, you mess with the prank queen, I'll kick your butt all the way back to ex-dead telepaths' den!"

Storm shook her head, for she was afraid for her lover.

"I do not think, it is wise, to start an open war like this with Jean. She is, after all, very vicious."

"I know," grinned Jubilee, "but when I'm through with her, she'll wish she were Sinister's guinea pig!"

Ororo pulled Jubilee close and hugged her fiercely.

"Please, be careful. I do not know, what I would do without you." Jubilee patted the windrider's head and kissed her.

"No worries, honey, I'll deal with Jean, then you and Wolvie can move in with me-just as we planned!" Ororo was stunned.

"But there is no room in the mansion, that is big enough for the three of us!"

Jubes giggled mischievously.

"We'll move to the boathouse. I don't think, Mr. And Mrs. Summers will be needing it any longer, when we're done!"

Inside the mansion, Emma overheard the conversations of Jean's victims and smiled.

Once the others had confronted the red menace, they would move Jean away from Hank, steering him straight into her waiting arms.

Happily, the White Queen went to change in her new business suit.

She _loved new leather. _

Archive: Go ahead, just drop me a line.

Reviews: Pretty please with sugar and honey on top! I crave for reviews!


	4. Sinister, Mystique and Dark Beast Oh My

**Chapter 6**

Mr Sinister was a most unhappy man. His espionage revealed that his perfect genetic couple who had so far been unable to produce any children who actually belonged in this universe and time now seemed unlikely ever to do so.

"Scott Summers how could you disappoint me so much after all those years of research I've dedicated to you. That hairy little runt is a most unworthy partner for you. Oh well I'll just have to pop over to the mansion and collect a few genetic samples," sighed Sinister.

Victor Creed was also not a happy man. The tall feral was standing all alone and gazing back at the mansion.

"I miss ya Jubilee but it just wasn't meant ta be. Still at least I've found out something I didn't know before. Jean Grey is drop dead gorgeous."

Obviously the poor feral is in urgent need of psychiatric treatment.

Mystique was also not a happy woman. She had just found out about Jubilee and Creed and found she was insanely jealous. The miscreant shape changer decided to go to the mansion to wreak a little righteous vengeance on Jubilee. Then she would forgive Creed and win back his heart.

"You are quite right Logan. I can detect no evidence whatsoever of Gambit engaging in carnal activities with any of you. My chemical analysis also indicates that the alcoholic beverages, toothpaste and breakfast cereal were drugged," mused Hank as he stroked his furry chin.

"Ya don't know how relieved I am ta hear ya say that fuzz-ball," 

"Quite. I must admit my considerable surprise to hear of Scott and your good self displaying such open affection for each other earlier. I congratulate you on your excellent choice of partner. I hope you will be a much better person for him than Jean has been."

With a snarl an angry Logan leapt on Hank and the fuzzy blue doctor was forced to defend himself. Fortunately he managed to subdue Logan, pinning him until the smaller man calmed down and explained what had really happened.

"Bobby does have a somewhat _juvenile mind," admitted Hank as he let Logan go._

"I'm gonna teach him a lesson." Logan growled deep in his throat and unsheathed his claws.

Just then Bobby ran in and threw Nair at Beast but missed and hit Logan. With angry yells and threats Logan took off after the frightened Bobby who disappeared behind a corner leaving only a lingering plea for mercy. Watching them leave Hank stroked his chin and then sighed fondly.

"Well he's still the same old Logan."

Bobby raced through the mansion, Logan in hot pursuit, just as Jean stepped out of her room, having rubbed soap on her face and in her eyes to fake a teary look.

Drake saw her and avoided her at the last moment, but Wolverine in his blind fury barged into her knocking her down. He stopped apologizing while pulled her to her feet before continuing the hunt for Iceman. 

The red menace stared after him, remembering how he used to react after doing things like that and her face contorted into an ugly mask. Now even punishing Bobby had become more appealing than her? Well she didn't care that much about it any longer. Soon the professor would make Logan and Jubilee leave, send Storm and Gambit on a road trip and tie down Iceman. Then she would get rid of Scott and finally be happy with her beloved blue Hank.

**Chapter 7**

In the hall, Logan managed to tackle Bobby to the floor and pin him to the ground with one hand while pointing the claws of the other towards the poor fellow's family jewels. 

"Would ya mind tellin' me, where ya got that hare-brained idea that I would be making out with Slim in the kitchen?" Logan roared as Nair dripped from his forehead.

Bobby wheezed and stammered.

"B-but I saw you two, hu-hugging in there, and Scott said you're beautiful so I assumed……" 

Logan gave another very bloodthirsty roar and Bobby fainted into a puddle,

"That'll teach ya ta assume and-"

"-mess with me Logan. Just because of one little wrinkle you stop chasing me? Well, when I'm done with you Logan, not even Creed will want to touch you!"

He stood their in shock, realizing that his passed flame had done something so mean to him, even Sinister wouldn't stoop so that level. Racing through the mansion, trying to gather the other victims, he never noticed the white-clad figure standing on top of the stairs.

Emma smiled contentedly. Soon Beast would be hers, Scott would be free and Jubilee, Storm and Wolverine would move into the boathouse. 

"And they lived happily ever after," she whispered to herself turning to enter her room. Something heavy clubbed her and she fell unconscious to the floor. Mystique stepped out of the shadows a frozen turkey leg still clutched in her hand. She looked intently at the unconscious White Queen before shifting into the form of the blonde beauty.

"Now for my sweet revenge," cackled the madwoman blissfully unaware of what chaos she would get herself into

Jean Grey was walking through the mansion later dreaming about Henry McCoy and running her fingers through his silky blue fur when she was confronted by an angry Jubilee.

"I just worked out what you did to me you dowdy old frump," yelled Jubilee as she charged up some fireworks.

"Well it was the sort of thing you _would do. I remember all about what you, Logan and Ororo did. You're just a little tramp," spat Jean._

"You should not refer to Jubilee as a tramp Jean. You sorely abused your powers and I'm disgusted with you Jean. Scott didn't deserve that and neither did Logan or Remy despite their sometimes roguish ways," said Ororo as she stepped in to protect Jubilee.

Mystique wandered up and was surprised by the sight of three X-Women apparently about to murder each other. Then Jean Grey caught sight of her hated rival.

"Emma you b*tch, you were the one to ruin my perfect plan," shrieked Jean as she leapt at Emma. Jubilee and Ororo went to pull her off and then it all degenerated into a huge catfight.

Bishop, Kurt and Warren were just passing by and decided to stop and enjoy the entertainment.

**Chapter 8**

 "Logan, Scott you must hear dis. Remy knows what happened."

Logan, Remy, how could my wonderful wife do a thing like this? She's not even in one of her Dark Phoenix phases," wailed Scott.

"I got new fer both of ya. Scott, yer wife's been playing us all fer fools," growled Logan.

Rushing towards each other all three men met head on, slipping on the ice and crashing to the ground in a tangled heap. Waking up with a groan Bobby caught sight of the three of them and promptly got the wrong impression again.

"I don't believe it. They're at it right in front of me. I think I'm gonna……" whispered Bobby before slipping back into merciful unconsciousness once more.

"Oh my stars and garters, but whatever can have to you my poor dear darling Emma. I promise to give you lots of tender, loving care," said Hank as he came upon the unconscious form of Emma. He picked her up, cradling her tenderly in his strong arms before taking her to the infirmary where she would be well looked after.

"So all manner of havoc and pandemonium is breaking out at the mansion. The perfect time for me to put into effect my master plan! It will be a trivial matter to slip in while they are all distracted." Dark Beast chuckled and helped himself to another Twinkie. He made his preparations to infiltrate the mansion little knowing the dreadful fate that was in store for him. After all one Beast was as good as another to Jean Grey!

Blinking Emma Frost woke up in the infirmary gazing up into Hank's gentle baby-blue eyes. Happily she ruffled his soft blue fur and sighed:

"Why thank you doctor, for the gentle treatment. I think I'll get unconscious more often, so I can be healed by you."

Beast blushed, the touch of Emma's hand had almost made him forget his surrounding and tear off his lab coat.

He had always admired her but could think of no reason why a woman like her would want anything to do with a furry blue gorilla like him.

"Umm, yes, well, actually, you have been clobbered into that state, and uh, err, well, I found you and … brought you here, uh, whatsthatagain, oh yeah, to, err examine you."

The White Queen was still stroking his head and Hank caught himself purring. She pulled him closer and whispered sultrily in his ear: "My hero."

As they were about to kiss, a blinding light appeared on the wall and then Sinister stepped out. The three stared at each other and then the villain pulled out a list, checked it and hid it again before nodding amiably to them.

"Very well then, let us proceed with the collecting. I don't think you two will mind will you if I collect a few samples, hair and such to further my genetic engineering? As a scientist McCoy you should appreciate this."

Both of them shook their heads mainly in disbelief and so Sinister teleported from room to room searching brushes and combs for hair samples. The new found couple thought that with Essex providing a distraction for the other X-Men that there would be plenty of time for them to prove their love to each other.

Outside Storm and Jubilee had managed to subdue the Red Menace and hurl her to Xavier's office. They then told Kurt and the others to send up Scott, Logan and Remy as soon as they could find them. Meanwhile Mystique still in Emma's form slipped away.

"Scott get yer elbow outta my groin or I'll turn ya into steak tartar," Logan rasped trying to free his arm from Remy's coat.

"Sure as soon as you get your finger out of my ear shorty," whined Cyclops.

"Sorry mec, t'at be mine, no 'ard feelings non?" Remy muttered moving Scott's foot from his neck.

Finally they had unraveled themselves from the chaos and stood looking at each other.

"What are we going to do now guys? My wife turned into an evil thing and I don't think I still love her enough to forgive her."

"Not t'mention she didn't stop Roguey from beating me up. I'd get rid of her, while I still can before she kills you!"

Logan tilted his head and heard Ororo, Jubilee and Jean heading for Xavier's office.

"Let's go and find Chuck. He'll know what ta do with her."

Behind his desk Charles shook his head. He had known that Jean would turn evil if not supervised, he had thought he taught her well, but now this………..

Sighing he turned to the arguing group as he had an idea.

"Listen up my X-Men; I in my generous wisdom have come to a conclusion. Rogue," turning to the southern belle," now that you know it was a hoax, can you forgive Gambit?"

She thought about it and said,

"Sure if he promises to marry me," Remy threw himself at her boots kissing them eagerly.

"Oui ma duchesse. I am you willful slave as long as I live, your wish is my command and your will my will."

The others turned slightly green at this ranting and shoved the two outside.

"As for you Jubilee the matter is more difficult. You love both Ororo and Logan but you can marry only one so you must make your choice."

Jubilee tilted her head, frowned and then her face lit up.

"Easy I move to Tibet where a woman can have as many grooms as she wants."

Storm patted her shoulder.

"My dear there are no malls in Tibet. You will die of boredom because there are no theatres either."

Jubilee shrieked the thought of a country without malls, cinemas or probably even decent junk food was nearly as horrifying as giving up either Logan or Storm. The latter smiled.

"I know a solution. Jubilee and Logan marry and keep me as their lover. Then nobody gets hurt and since I never pictured myself as a bride I will still have somebody to run too."

All stared at her and then Logan wrapped his arms around her in a huge bear hug which Jubilee joined in and they praised Storm's beauty and wisdom.

Charles raised a quizzical brow and then turned to Jean.

"Well what are we going to do with you madam?"

"I want a divorce since I'd rather be married to Apocalypse then her now," piped in Scott.

"Yes that is clear but even then she will remain a danger to the team. Locking her up won't help since she's a telekinetic."

"Did I mention a divorce?"

"That too but first Jean is going to pay for the cost of Rogue and Jubilee's weddings, the lawyer for her divorce and my psychiatric bill since I will need therapy after listening to this."

Jean went pale and then fainted dead away.

"Then I'll get my divorce?"

Wolverine cuffed Scott as Xavier mentally ordered Cyclops to go to sleep.

Passing the hall Mystique tripped over the unconscious Iceman. Looking at him closely she realized just how cute he really was.

"If it doesn't work out with Victor he will do very nicely or there's always Logan or even Scott for that matter."

Coming to a decision she headed off to the infirmary.

In the bathrooms Sinister was still collecting samples when a portal suddenly popped open right beside him blowing him apart in the energy backlash. With a groan Sinister began to pull himself together.

Out stepped Dark Beast his gray fur randomly spattered with blue dye since he had been in a hurry. He sniffed the air and took of for the kitchen since he was hungry. He was looking for Twinkies and beer or anything else alcoholic or high in sugar.

One other thought passed through his warped and twisted mind. Iceman really was a cutie. 


	5. Bobby's Strange Love

**Chapter 9**

"Mystique, Raven is that you?" came a familiar growl.

"Sabretooth, Victor it is you," said Mystique. Amber and yellow eyes gazed into each other as long forgotten love was rekindled. Bobby was simply left there forgotten on the floor as hand in hand feral and shape-shifter went hand in hand to Jean Grey's bedroom to catch up on lost time. By the time they finished hours later exhausted after all that activity the bedroom looked like a bomb had gone off in it. Still Mystique and Sabretooth were back together as they were meant to be.

Meanwhile Dark Beast had eaten all of Hanks Twinkies and Jubilees Sugar Bombs and had polished of several bottles of Remys Bourbon and half of Logan's beer supply. Afterwards he went into Remy's room and washed off the blue dye clogging the shower with fur in the process. Then he gave himself a makeover in Ororo's room before going through the X-Men's wardrobes. He selected Logan's favorite red flannel shirt and cowboy hat, Remy's trench coat and a pair of Scott's jeans. Now Dark Beast found he desired some company and he set off to look for some.

"God, that was just horrible. Oh Hank is that you?" moaned Bobby as he regained consciousness. Dark Beast had a quizzical look as Bobby hugged him, snuggling against the fur and sobbing quietly. One large clawed hand patted Bobby gently on the back as a sudden idea came into his sugar and alcohol crazed mind.

"Don't you worry because I will look after you? Let's take you for a drink and then you can tell me all about your troubles," said Dark Beast in a gentle soothing tone. He then strode off purposefully dragging the unresisting Bobby along before literally bumping into Kurt.

"What are you doing mein freund?" asked Kurt suspiciously.

"Going for a wild night of carousing with my new friend Bobby Drake and you're welcome to join us if you like," said Dark Beast who was feeling magnanimous.

"Danke" With that the unlikely trio set off.

Meanwhile Sinister had more or less recovered and was now in Professor X's office.

"Charles I'm so glad to see you."

"As am I Nathaniel and I must say you look absolutely terrible," said a concerned Xavier.

"I've had a rough day. Are you still coming to the opera with me tonight?"

"Let my best friend down? Never would I do such a thing. Shall we play a game of chess?"

"I would like that very much. Now I booked us a table in that romantic Italian restaurant and hired two lovely young ladies as our companions."

"I'm looking forward to meeting them. Now you'd better close the door before somebody comes by and sees you. I don't think the others would approve of our relationship."

After all Sinister was supposed to be a mortal enemy and not a best friend and secret lover!

"Oh Hank, you're such an animal," gasped Emma.

"My dear you bring out the Beast in me," purred Hank.

"This is going to be so great but we need someone for you to marry Scott," said Jubilee.

"Well Kitty Pryde's old enough and I was always fond of her. Anyone would be better than Jean anyway."

"Ya know Cyke, she once confided ta me that she always had a thing fer ya. Even more than she did fer Piotr so I'll just give my pun'kin a call."

Nearly crawling to her room the red menace counted the costs of the two weddings and her divorce. The wage for the lawyer alone made her shiver, and if she had to pay for Scott's wedding too, all her life savings would be gone forcing her to work as a model for red hair dye again.

Entering her room she stopped dead in her tracks.

The windows were shattered, the curtains were ripped, the carpet was in shreds and the king size French drape bed was a ruin. Every single item of furniture was crushed to splinters and her clothing lay in shreds and tatters strewn across the floor and her make up plastered the cracked and battered walls.

"Mm…gnh…muh…mah…e..ruh…"

A shrieking yell sounded through the mansions and over the grounds, scaring off every animal and bird including the Phoenix. The being had grown sick and tired off Jean Grey's insufferable character and appalling behaviour and had only waited for the right moment to leave its ghastly host. It knew that somewhere out in the world a more worthy person was waiting for it.

**Chapter 10**

Kitty had just stepped out of the shower when the phone rang.

"Muir Island, Pryde, what can I do for you?"

"Hey pun'kin it's me," Logan said, "just called ta tell ya the great news, Rogue's gonna marry Gumbo, I'm getting wed ta Jubes and Scott's getting rid of Jean. How fast can ya get here?"

In the distance, Logan could here the roar of jet engines and Wolfsbane screaming:

"Hey! Pryde stole the Blackbird! Somebody call SHIELD!"

Bobby, Kurt and Dark Beast were at the Auger Inn, all hopelessly drunk. After hanging from the ceiling by his tail and ungracefully banging his head after a back flip, Nightcrawler decided to go home and bamfed back to the mansion. Alas the Phoenix crossed his teleportation field and ended up inside Kurt who was to inebriated to realize this and simply mumbled a prayer before falling asleep in his bed.

"Ye kn-kno-know Hank, Ah-I alwaith w'nddered if ya were such a h-hea-hard dr'nker lu-l'ke Ruh-Rem…G'mbit."

Bobby slurred, freezing and defrosting his eight Long Island Iced Tea.

Dark Beast looked at him with crossed eyes then muttered:

"Uuwuuhuu-hu?" Six beers and twelve Mai Tais were too much even for his formidable metabolism. He was so drunk he couldn't even remember the lovely experiments and tortures he had cooked up for Iceman let alone think of new ones. To make things worse he was starting to like the guy.

Maybe if he played his cards right he could lure him to his lab and make him into a pet like he did with Havok.

Unluckily for him Jean chose that exact moment to pop in for a drink. Catching sight of Hank's newly blue-furred doppelganger, an evil smile crossed her face. There was the object of her carnal desire, drunk, helpless and just waiting for her. Mentally convincing a woman that Bobby was really Hugh Jackman she separated the drinking partners and telekinetically grabbed Dark Beast and headed for the boathouse.

Precisely seventy three minutes after the call Shadowcat flung her arms around a relieved Scott's neck and practically smothered him with kisses.

Then the girls decided to start with the wedding preparations while the guys went for a drink to celebrate their luck. At that moment and an exhausted but jubilant Beast and an equally tired but happy Emma entered and announced their marriage as well. 

Everybody congratulated them and each other and all were happy.

Unknown to the X-Men Xavier and Sinister had raided the woman's bathroom and tried to do a remake of "Too Wong Foo- Thanks for Everything……."

Jean Grey was feeling rather pleased with herself when she suddenly slipped on a patch of ice which unexpectedly appeared in front of her. Simultaneously Dark Beast was instantly awake and sober when the cold hit him. He realized he had just been saved from a fate far worse than death.

"Leave him alone you kinkily evil witch," yelled Bobby bravely.

"How dare you interfere with my plans Popsicle. Now I will use my telepathy and make you into my love-slave," hissed Jean Grey.

She heard a growl and then a strong hand grabbed her and plunged a syringe full of serum into her arm. She gasped in horror and turned to Dark Beast.

"What have you done to me!?" shrieked Jean.

"I injected you with my special serum. The same one that made me what I am today. It should be fascinating to see what it does to do," said Dark Beast mildly. Jean Grey screamed and ran away.

"You saved me," sighed Bobby.

"You saved me also," purred Dark Beast.

They looked into each other's eyes and something passed between them. It was the beginning of something wonderful.

"Hello everyone but Creed and I want to announce that we're also getting married," said Mystique.

"Yeah and we also want ta renounce evil and join the X-Men. Ya wanna make something of it?" growled Sabretooth.

"I think its wonderful news," said Storm as everyone else was busy.

Loud singing was heard and then a weird and wonderful sight went past. Professor X was in his wheelchair which was being pushed by Mr. Sinister. Xavier was wearing one of Jean Grey's old costumes and Sinister was looking splendid in pink blouse, black leather mini-skirt, high heels and a blonde wig. Both were much the worse for drink.

Ororo promptly fainted and had to be revived by Bishop. Warren fainted as well and woke up to find he was being cuddled by Jubilee and Emma. He decided to take his time in recovering.

Then the doorbell rang and Jubilee and Remy went to answer it. A somewhat sheepish Bobby appeared hovering nervously in the doorway.

"What is the matter Bobby?" asked Jubilee.

"I've met someone really special and I really love them and I think they feel the same way. We want to be together so I've brought them home to meet everyone," said Bobby nervously.

"Remy think dat dis is great news mon ami. Dis calls for celebration," said Remy.

"Thing is that he's male and I think I'm gay," said Bobby.

"Bobby none us have a problem with that," said Hank gently.

"Then can he come in?" asked Bobby anxiously.

"Yeah he can come in. It ain't likely ta be any more shocking then what we've just seen," said Logan.

"You can come in D.B," said Bobby.

Dark Beast came in and put his arms around Bobby in a gentle hug. The two then kissed deeply and passionately in front of the shocked X-Men.

Logan was wrong. This was just as shocking as what they had just seen if not more so.


	6. Here Comes Trouble

**Chapter 12**

Warren promptly fainted again, Ororo paled and Emma went deeply red.

Dark Beast meanwhile had wandered over to Logan and was running his claws through one of the luxuriant sideburns.

"Hmm fascinating, I wonder what evolutionary purpose these serve. I'd love to run an experiment," murmured Dark Beast.

"Would ya kindly remove yer furry mitts offa my whiskers!" roared Logan. Ororo put an arm around Logan and glared at Dark Beast who got the message and refrained from any further examination of Logan's facial hair.

"Uh Bobby, you know that this is Dark Beast, a sworn enemy of ours?" Scott tilted a brow.

"Yeah I know but he promised not to hurt any of the X-Men even if he does conquer the world."

Shrugging his massive shoulders Dark Beast added:

"'Sides with the state the world's in today, who would want it anyway except a spandex-clad madman and I don't wear spandex."

Turning to the others Scott asked:

"So if err Darky here promises not to harm us, is everyone alright with that relationship?"

Logan sneered.

"C'mon bub, we just saw Chuck and Sinister in drag, nothing could be worse than that."

As if on cue, Kurt bamfed in not quite sober but terribly scared.

"Meine Freunde, I'm afraid we've got a huge problem," he stuttered as he grew a pair of fiery wings.

"Whoa! Nice flaps Kurt, where did you get them?" asked Jubilee dropping Warren's head to the floor.

"Well I'm not sure but somehow the Phoenix landed inside me," Nightcrawler gasped, "and to make matters worse, I saw a large red hairy creature outside the mansion!"

Dark Beast gave a fang filled grin:

"Hey my serum's already working," he turned to Hank and asked

"What do you think my good twin; shall we go and capture the rampaging being once known as Jean Grey for extensive study and investigation?"

Hanks face if at all possible brightened.

"Tests?"

"A thousandfold!" With that the two scientists ran off to hunt down the red menace.

"Phoenix, why have you chosen me as your host?" asked Kurt.

"I feel the emotion that you would call love for you Kurt. I will be with you always," said the Phoenix in a warm loving tone.

Meanwhile Sinister and Xavier were still totally drunk but no longer in drag. Xavier was dressed up as Father Christmas and was singing "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt". Sinister meanwhile was dressed up as Napoleon and was singing "Here With Me" by Dido. The blonde wig from Sinister's earlier costume was now adorning Xavier's hairless pate.

"Oh my stars and garters. Its Trish Tilby with a news crew. They must have come about the mutant Jean," sighed Hank.

"Hank, I'm so glad to see you. Listen I know we broke up but I'd like for us to get back together again," said Trish. Emma glared at the news reporter.

"I'm sorry Trish but I've found someone else and we're getting married," said Hank as he put his arm around Emma.

Then Trish caught sight of Dark Beast.

"Who's that Hank? He looks a lot like you," said Trish.

"He's my….. long lost twin," said Hank hesitantly.

"Do you want to go out with me handsome?" asked Trish hopefully.

"You are a most beautiful creature and you would make a wonderful test subject. Sadly my heart belongs to another," said Dark Beast as he hugged Bobby close to his chest.

"Well in that case," said Trish. She looked around for the nearest handsome male. Bishop had been watching suspiciously and was startled when Trish ran up to him, hugged him enthusiastically and started kissing him fiercely.

"You handsome have just got yourself a girlfriend," said Trish.

In the kitchen Victor, Remy, Logan, Warren and Scott were celebrating when the doorbell rang. Opening the door they saw over a dozen young women who were obviously of a certain profession. Some were in leather or spandex, some were dressed as nurses or nuns and one was a bunny girl.

"Can we help you?" asked Scott nervously.

"We're here for a Doctor Essex and a Professor Xavier," said one woman batting mascara clad eyelashes.

"Forget those old fogies. Get a load of these gorgeous studs. Get them sisters!" yelled the bunny girl.

The women rushed through the door and swiftly overpowered the five handsome male mutants. They were wrestled to the floor and barely had time to call for help. Would the X-Women arrive in time to save them from certain doom?

**Chapter 13**

Remy was trying desperately to sneak away from two nuns and a nurse without losing his pants. Having wings Warren catapulted himself into the air banging his head on the ceiling and falling to the floor where two pairs of arms grabbed him. Meanwhile the bunny girl was opening Logan's shirt while a nurse and a leather-clad floozy sat on his arms pinning him. Victor was having a hard time not giving into his feral side and taking advantage and Scott was too paralyzed to act.

Jubilee entered at that moment to get some drinks for her and the other brides-to-be and nearly collapsed at the sight. Calling for Storm and Rogue she rushed to the bunny girl grabbed her ears and kicked her in the rear, sending the woman flying over Logan's head to crash heavily onto the table. 

The wrestling stopped instantly.

Storm and Rogue charged in, took one look and used their collective powers to hustle the hookers into Xavier's bedroom. Thusly trapped the girls started trying on the professor's shirts and pants to kill time until his arrival. 

Sadly enough, neither Charles nor Nathaniel were in any fit state to get out let alone make it to bed on their own. The mansions wine cellar had washed away the last comprehensive thought and now both were lying on the floor clutching a bottle of vodka each and giving a nice image of a Roman orgy.

In the hall the men tried to explain to their future wives what had really happened but they weren't believed until Rogue took Gambit's memories and confirmed what had happened.

Suddenly a shout was heard as Bishop ran past them with Trish Tilby and camera crew hot on his heels.

"Ladies and gentlemen in tonight's news special, Trish Tilby's new boyfriend and his favorite underwear. Stay tuned for the hunt," she commented.

"Help me, she wants to do an interview about my boxers," screamed Bishop before escaping out of the front door. All looked at each other and then to Scott. Sadly he shook his head.

"Sorry guys but we surpassed our rescue budget. No more saving lives until next Tuesday."

"That's fine by us," said Hank who had returned with Dark Beast from the Jean hunt. "Then at least we have time to examine this altered hominoid female."

Holding her up at the arms they showed a creature that had red and grey hairs, fangs, polished claws and lipstick.

She looked a little like Jean, a little like the two Beasts, a little like Sasquatch, and a whole lot like-

"Cripes, the Wendigo's little sister," barked Logan.

Hank nodded.

"Correct, the professor knew for a long time that the original wendigo was one of Jean's ancestors. That's why he brought her here so he could find a cure. It only worked on the Grey family line but now we can study her for as long as we like," grinning toothily at his twin the scientist dragged Jean off to his lab to start the tests. With a last longing look at Logan Dark Beast followed.

"Think he'll make it to our wedding?" Emma asked not used to being ignored. Rogue shrugged her shoulders.

"Not if it's this year sugah," she replied.

"You'll be lucky if he makes it to my baby shower in December," Jubilee sighed, then blushed eight shades of red while everyone stared at her.

"Oops did I think out loud again?"

"I estimate we have another three hours until the test results are ready. Stars and garters, what have you done to yourself?" gasped Hank.

"Well I just thought that if I'm becoming an X-Man people might get us confused so I've gone back to my original form," said Dark Beast pleased with the results of the genetic reversal. He set off to find Bobby.

"Shinniss…..Esshheessh..Nate, yer nn-oww what?" slurred Xavier.

"Yesh, Chuck?" replied Sinister.

"Yer my only friend," said Xavier.

"Dark Beast you look different. In fact you look great," said Bobby as he stroked the spiky gray fur on Dark Beast's shoulders.

"I'm so glad you like it. Now shall we go to the boathouse and have some fun together?" asked Dark Beast.

"Of course," said Bobby.

There came a knock at the main door which sent a chill through everyone's heart as they remembered only too well who the previous visitors had been. Bravely Victor Creed went and opened the door. Toad hopped through the door and into Victor's arms hugging the feral tightly round the chest, his tongue licking one of Creed's sideburns.

"Sabes, darling, it's so good to see you again," crooned Toad.

"Likewise Mort," said Creed.

"What are ya and frog-boy doing together Creed?" growled Logan.

"Actually Mort, Victor and I are a threesome just like you, Ororo and Jubilee," said Mystique.

There was a thud as Warren promptly fainted again.

"Shall I give him mouth to mouth resuscitation?" asked an eager Mort who then wondered why the room had emptied so rapidly.

"Well looks like I lost her at last," sighed Bishop with relief as he entered his darkened room. Kicking off his boots he went over to have a lie down on his bed, exhausted by his ordeal. Then he felt a slender hand stroking his beard.

"Mmm fuzzy yet firm," murmured Trish as she switched on the light.

"Aw sh*t," groaned Bishop.

"Quiet tiger," said Trish as she kissed him.

"We've managed to unpick the lock," reported a nun who happened to be handy with a hairpin.

"Good now to get out of here and follow my original plan. We find the cutest X-Men, overpower them and tie them up. Then while they're helpless we snog them senseless," said the bunny girl.

"Good plan Mastermind!" chorused the call girls.

The bunny girl laughed pleasantly and dropped her illusion to reveal the beautiful if evil Martinique Jason. The telepathic illusionist was looking forward to having her wicked way with Logan in particular.

Never let it be said that Martinique didn't have excellent taste.


	7. When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Wor...

**Chapter 14**

Logan had just been going to fetch himself a beer when something large, gray and furry landed on his chest knocking him to the ground. Logan stared up into a face even hairier than his own and struggled to breathe beneath Dark Beast's considerable bulk. Yellow eyes blinked at him mildly and then McCoy's claws yanked out a chunk of hair from his sideburn.

"Now I shall be able to experiment to my hearts content Logan. Thanks for advancing the course of my scientific endeavors," said Dark Beast before leaping away with his prize.

"I'm going ta rip yer freaking head off fer this ya mangy fuzz-ball," roared Logan.

Back in the basement Xavier and Essex, had sobered up enough that they could make it to the elevator taking them up to the Professors bedroom. There they found clothes scattered around all over the place obviously having been tried on. Charles simply shrugged his shoulders and allowed himself to be hefted onto his large bed, where both passed out and snored peacefully blissfully unaware of the madness taking place all around them. Sinister was also unaware of exactly _where he had placed his hand on Charles._

Martinique led her new tribe through the entire mansion in the search for handsome male inhabitants. Unluckily all of them had retired to the company of their respective women/men(even Logan and Dark Beast), so the only available guy was Warren who rested on a couch in the rec room still deeply traumatized after his close encounter with the Toad. All of a sudden a bunch of beautiful sexily-clad women stormed in and took the poor millionaire hostage, leaving no trace of him except a few lonely feathers on the floor.

"I can see you! Don't try and hide from me tall dark and handsome," Trish Tilby chirped while looking at Bishop who was hiding safely underneath his bed. 

"Why does this always happen to me? All I wanted was to tell Warren my true feelings for him and now this crazy news-chick is chasing me through the mansion. Life's so not fair!" wailed Bishop desperate enough to choose the first idea that popped into his head.

"Um Miss Trilby, ma'am did you know that there is a new Beast in the lab? I'm sure the viewers would prefer to see our newest addition to genetic research rather than my underwear or lack thereof."

Trish's eyes went wide.

"A new Beast? In the basement!" she dashed out of the room calling for her news crew as she went.

"Just wait till you see who it is," snickered Bishop as he shoved his boots back on and went off in search of his Angel.

Dark Beast had made good his escape from the maddened Logan( he was so cute when he was angry) and was reunited with his cryogenic paramour.

"Hey D.B lets not to go the boathouse because that's where Jean used to go," said Bobby.

"You're right Bobby. Let's go to Xavier's room and his big bouncy bed!" said Dark Beast eagerly.

They went into the bedroom and were so engrossed with gazing lovingly into each others eyes that they never noticed Xavier and Sinister asleep on the bed. Dark Beast cradled Bobby gently in his arms and bounced right onto Sinister. They then began to kiss in front of a horrified Xavier who had just woken up and sincerely wished he hadn't!

"Oh hello may I join in?" asked Sinister innocently.

"Come back here and show me what you can do with that tongue!" called a distracted Trish.

"Sabretooth help me!" cried a terrified Mort mistaking her curiosity for lust.

"Now we have the Angel and this handsome hunk of a man called Bishop. Well done girls. Next we go for the Wolverine," purred Martinique.

The Jean Beast's eyes flicked open and she saw that she was alone in the room. She burst her bonds and set off to fulfill her primary mission, mating with Hank.

"Jean Grey stop right there. It's time for a final showdown between telepaths. Prepare to meet your doom!" called Emma Frost as she stepped into the room.

"Yes Wolvie I will get a pair of tweezers and pull Dark Beast's fur out hair by hair for desecrating your sideburns."

Jubilee sighed resting Logan's head on her lap and gently scratching his scalp and the rather ragged left mutton-chop. A satisfied purr escaped the feral's chest now that she had sympathized him and proven that she had forgiven him the "kitchen incident".

Suddenly the door burst open and in stepped Martinique and a group of her call-girls. Pointing at the somnolent Wolverine she yelled:

"Grab him girls!"

With a wild war cry the women attacked the bed. Unfortunately for them Jubilee was not the type to give up on her love so huge amounts of hot plasma burnt away hair and costumes.

As quickly as they had come the group retreating leaving Martinique all by herself facing a wakening Logan and a maddened Jubilee. 

"Oh s***!"

Mort raced through the hall and tripped over Bishop and Warren who had just regained consciousness. 

"Guy's you gotta help me," he whimpered as he undid their restraints. 

"Why should we do that froggy?" Angel slurred rubbing his head and Toad just stared at him.

"You're supposed to be heroes remember. You aren't going to let that mad reporter get me are you?"

Bishop rolled his eyes and groaned. He had suffered that fate and didn't wish it on anyone even Mort. He was just about to reply when said woman and crew appeared around the corner.

"Alright there's our story and I can already see the headline. "Guns, tongues and wings or three buns of steel in a-"

Thunderous sounds approached and Bishop pulled Warren and Mort to safety while Trish turned to see her crew being stampeded by a horde of naked women. The three mutants used this distraction to make good their escape.

"I don't care how much power it takes, this time you're going down!" screamed the White Queen mentally pummeling her arch-rivals mind. The red menace tried to fight back but years of using her powers for controlling Scott, Logan and other men's minds had left her combat technique a little rusty and she wasn't as good at psychic catfights like Emma.

In desperation she tried her usual flashy combat poses forgetting her new body and she tripped over her own foot and fell to the ground. Then Emma used her ultimate weapon, showing Jean just how she looked with her new appearance. Screaming the telepath tried to erase the image from her mind and instead erased her own powers completely. Then she collapsed and Emma locked her back in the cage. Emma smiled as she headed for the door because she had captured Jean's powers and held them in her own mind.

"They will be a lovely gift for Jubilee," said Emma as she went off to find Hank.

Jubilee meanwhile was using Marti as a football and with the aid of a paf shot her out of the door and over the railing to crash onto her posterior. Whining she decided to go off and plot her revenge on the pair. 

"My hopes of a story are ruined now! Why do I ever bother," wailed Trish but then a furry hand tapped her on the shoulder.

"Do not worry dear lady for I have the answer to your problems. I believe you should get a most excellent story with this footage," said Dark Beast with a charming smile.

With that he handed her the tapes that he had stolen from the mansion's security cameras. Smiling Trish departed the mansion having got a story at last.

**Chapter 15**

"Well I think that's the last we've seen of her Wolvie," sighed Jubilee.

"Yeah darlin, now we just need ta trash McCoy," growled Logan.

Unfortunately they had spoken too soon because Marti was plotting revenge even as they spoke.

"That was a work of genius Hank," said Bobby as he ruffled Dark Beast's fur.

A clawed finger caressed Bobby's chin and Dark Beast showed his fangs before replying.

"Well you must admit that Xavier and Essex's activities are particularly scandalous and Remy' Scott's and Logan's activities are so easily misinterpreted. As for the prostitutes, Mystique and Creed's little romp, the Toad tongue scene and what Rogue was doing with her inflatable Gambit doll, speaks for itself my dear. Time for fun now and I suggest a friendly game of scrabble with a three hundred point lead for you since I'm feeling generous. Loser becomes the winner's slave for the night!"

"I'm game if you are," said Bobby with a saucy wink.

"Oh Wolvie," sighed Jubilee stroking his sideburns.

"Oh Jubes," sighed Logan kissing her full on the lips with just a bit of tongue.

The two were just preparing for a night of hot passion when Martinique set her revenge in motion. She waited until they were "fully engaged" and then sent a telepathic illusion into the lovers minds making Logan think he was in bed with Creed and Jubilee that she was in bed with Jean!

The fact that Logan was a micro-second faster than Jubilee was the only thing that saved him from being roast with hot plasmoids. He leapt of the bed staring open mouthed at his friend turned arch enemy now turned comrade again. Jubilee meanwhile screamed her head off seeing an apparently naked Jean with her arms spread wide in invitation. Clasping her hand over her mouth she ran to the window, opened it wide and vomited tremendously right onto Mastermind's head.

"Yeughh!" screeched Marti as the distraction caused her to lose concentration as she desperately tried to wipe herself off. Jubilee saw her and quickly worked out just what had happened.

"Right no mercy this time. I'm going to get really nasty," snarled Jubilee. She grabbed the still confused Logan by the arm and dragged him off to the infirmary.

"I won I can't believe I really won," cheered Bobby jumping around like mad while Dark Beast smiled approvingly.

"Well what does my hypothermic master wish for?" he asked causing the bouncing Bobby to stop cavorting.

"You know I haven't really thought of that," said Bobby thoughtfully.

"There you are Dark Beast. Help me get rid of Mastermind and you'll redeem yourself over the sideburn incident," said Jubilee as she stormed in with Logan in tow.

Bobby and Dark Beast turned to them with the former blushing crimson while the latter's eyes went as large as saucers.

"Whoa," gasped Bobby.

"Mmm," whispered Dark Beast.

Jubilee followed his adoring gaze only to find it on a very naked and very embarrassed Wolverine.

"Oh s*** I knew I forgot something," she whispered blocking their view with her body.

"So how about that help or do I have to ask your brother. Remember I have waxing strips and I'm not afraid to use them."

Dark Beast blinked a few times before muttering "No of course not, I'll be glad to help. What do you have in mind for her?"

Jubilee's smile was frightening enough to make Bobby jump into Dark Beast's lap.

"Set Jean on her!"

Jubilee then left with the still bewildered Logan in tow. Bobby sighed and then buried his face in Dark Beast's furry chest. After several minutes of snuggling he emerged.

"You know DB I've just realized that now I've seen Logan naked I'm seeing him in a whole different way than before. Do you think we could perhaps get him to join us in a threesome or something, because I just fancy some Wolverine right now? I bet he really is an animal, just like you," mumbled a somewhat delirious Bobby.

"An excellent idea my lord," said Dark Beast with a wicked grin.

Meanwhile Martinique Jason had decided on a fiendish new plan. Since she hadn't had much success with X-Men she would try and seduce the X-Women namely Ororo, Emma, Raven and Jubilee. Now she was disguised as the cuddly blue scientist and her illusion was so perfect that it worked on Jean. Still possessing her telekinesis she grabbed Mastermind who was taken away to a ghastly fate.

"You look magnificent in that kinky leather costume Victor," whispered Mortimer as his long tongue licked the little hairs on Creed's forearm making it hard for the feral not to chuckle.

"I can see what attracted you to him in the first place Mystique," said Ororo whose hand was currently resting on Victor's chest.

"Hey ya gonna make me blush," said Creed.

"Enough talk and into bed with me the lot of you," said Mystique petulantly.

Since Jubilee and Logan were busy that night Ororo had asked if she could join Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad for the night and surprisingly they had agreed.

"This is Trish Tilby reporting from outside Charles Xavier's bedroom window. You have got to see this to believe it," stated the intrepid reporter.

Professor X was in his hover chair which was bobbing about the room in a sort of clumsy dance and he was dressed as Barney.

"I love you, you love me," sang the Professor.

**Chapter 16**

"I'm just totally exhausted now," sighed Bishop. He gazed bleary eyed at the tall blonde in the pink blouse, miniskirt and high heels.

"Hello big boy," chirped Sinister in a falsetto squeak.

"Oh my god," shrieked Bishop before fainting dead away.

Huddled on the large guest bed Ororo counted the cracks in the ceiling. The fun had lasted for precisely twelve minutes and now Creed, Raven and Mort were heaped around her snoring like bears.

"Well screw this for a game of soldiers, why did I ever leave my couple? Maybe they will forgive me if I go back now," with that thought Storm left in search of her lovely mates.

Staggering towards the mansion was the battered, bruised and torn but extremely vengeful form of Mastermind. The red menace had not been very pleased at being deceived and even Apocalypse would have had nightmares about the things Jean Grey had done. Martinique didn't care who was on the receiving end of her wrath.

Meanwhile Jubilee and Logan had resettled and were discussing wedding plans and which furniture to remove to the boathouse when Storm flew in and dropped to her knees in front of them.

"Oh please forgive me my loves for sleeping with Creed and his friends. I am a low creature unworthy of being crushed by your foot but unworthy as I am punish me any way you want but do not send me away I beg you."

Sobbing Ororo collapsed to the floor and Logan and Jubilee swept her up and soon forgave her.

A huge shadow entered the bathroom and gloved hands opened Logan's aftershave pouring a pink liquid into Logan's "Harley-Davidson Classic."

Sinister stared at Bishop and hefted the unconscious soldier over his shoulder. He took him to Warren's room where Angel was tied naked to the bed. Nathaniel draped Bishop across him in a suggestive manner putting them in a tight embrace. 

"That will be so funny when they wake up," said Sinister adding a rubber truncheon as an afterthought.

Then he went off in search of Charles and more weird love games.

Martinique's curiosity drew her when she heard calls of disbelief. She joined Trish in the tree the reporter was sitting in and they peered through the window together unable to believe their eyes. It was Creed's room and the feral had woken up and was engaged in morally dubious acts with Mystique. Disturbingly the shape-shifter first changed form to Dark Beast which led to some intense wrestling and then to Logan where they became tender and loving. Even more disquieting was the discovery of just what Mort could use that tongue for.

In the Danger Room Dark Beast was getting ready for action. He was wearing a tuxedo and his long shaggy hair and sideburns were well trimmed so he could emulate his movie hero James Bond. Facing him were robotic duplicates of Bond villains, numerous deathtraps and Bobby in a fetching black dress who was waiting at the top of a tower.

"Save me Dark Beast," called Bobby.

"The names McCoy, Hank McCoy and serve me a vodka martini, shaken not stirred," growled the fuzzy gray hunk.

"Oh Sinister you kinky devil come over here, Charlie needs love," called Xavier seductively from underneath the bedsheets.

"Coming Pookie," purred Sinister as he slipped into a frilly pink nightgown. 

The two then got into bed together and their X-rated activities were eagerly filmed by Trish Tilby.

The next morning began with some alarming discoveries.

"Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, I just want to die," howled Bishop. Warren could not reply as he had gone into a catatonic state. Bishop flung on shirt and jeans and rushed barefoot to the infirmary with the angelic mutant cradled in his arms.

Meanwhile Logan had just finished putting on his aftershave little realizing that Storm had also put some on after mistaking it for her shampoo.

Hank whistled innocently as he switched on the television to catch the morning news little realizing that he was about to see the results of his brothers twisted scheming. A news special was on presented by Trish Tilby and revealing the secret love life of the X-Men.


	8. The Power Of The Media

**Chapter 18**

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a special CNBC news broadcast: Love and lust at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. We must warn you that due to the explicit and somewhat disturbing nature of our footage, this program is not suitable for those less than eighteen years of age."

"Now for the first section: Duplicate your satisfaction by duplicating yourself."

Hank watched with growing horror as the scenes of the early evening played out in front of him. "No!" he roared as Dark Beast was shown kissing Bobby and then it showed him and Emma in the infirmary finding inventive new uses for a stethoscope.

Emma came running when she heard her fiancées screams, with Rogue, Bishop and Remy hot on her heels. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the TV crew run over by a horde of naked women on the wide screen. Logan, Jubilee and Ororo and from the third floor came the unmistakable wheeze of the hover chair.

"Here we show you that ferals really are animals if you know what I mean."

The footage focused on Logan in bed with Jubilee and Ororo, the situation Jean Grey set him up in, the "Logan you are beautiful" scene, the entanglement with Scott and Remy, the Dark Beast sideburn desecration incident and there was some of Creed as well with Mort and Raven and the previously unseen incident where Mort mistook Dark Beast for Creed and tried to snuggle him.

Dark Beast carrying Bobby or Roberta on his shoulders was followed by a still dizzy Warren while Creed, Mort and Raven bamfed in with Kurt.

"As for the finder of the school he is the living example of the principle, "love your enemy""

Essex and Xavier just barged in to hear Trish's last comment before the camera footage showed their weird games including, Naughty Teenage Sisters, Lesbian Nazi Interrogator, Confession Time At The Nunnery and Feral Love Machines.

All X-Men stared in shock at the screen and turned to face their mentor and his lover. Charles winced and said "Oops."

Nathaniel just stood their innocently blinking mascara clad eyelashes at the crowd.

Logan was about to growl a reply when he caught the scent of Bobby and instantly forgot Jubilee and the others thinking only of his ice prince looking like dreams come true. Unluckily Ororo felt exactly the same way and exchanging looks the two charged for Bobby at exactly the same time.

Iceman didn't even have time to scream before Logan grabbed him and hefted him onto his back running for his room, Storm close behind him pouring snow, rain and hail on the feral. Dark Beast paled beneath his fur and mumbling an excuse dashed after them. Jubilee sighed pulled out a tranquilizer gun and set off on the hunt for Wolverine.

"What the heck was _that all about?" asked Scott who had joined too late, because Kitty had insisted on phasing and they had dropped through to Calcutta. The sight that greeted the new couple was too much for Scott's jittery nerves: Xavier wearing a silky negligee, Sinister with makeup in something that looked a lot like a duplicate of Jessica Rabbits dress including red wig and pink high heels._

He fainted dead away.

"Just you stop right there hairy," growled Jubilee at Dark Beast.

"I admit my responsibility unreservedly Jubilation. I was compelled to sabotage the aftershave by a voice in my head," whined Dark Beast groveling before her.

"Sounds like Jean or Marti so I want you to prepare a little something to punish them for me. Now get up and stop licking my slippers with your tongue," ordered Jubilee.

Logan grinned as he carried his ice prince into the bedroom he shared with Ororo and Jubilee. He scratched the stubble on his chin thoughtfully and popped his claws slicing through the fabric of Bobby's shirt. Then a gale force wind battered down the door.

Dark Beast was spitting out bits of fluff from Jubilee's slippers when a clawed hand tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Dark Beast I know ya all alone. I'm all alone today because its Mort's turn ta be with Raven and they've gone off on a picnic with Rogue, Remy and Kurt. Do ya want ta comfort me in my loneliness fuzz-ball?" growled Creed.

"Yes I think I would," purred Dark Beast.

Little did he know that Martinique had found his device and had sent it to Trish Tilby?

Scott was tucked up in bed with Kitty and a concerned Emma and Hank were fussing over him. There was a knock on the door and an ashamed Professor X floated in on his hover chair.

"I've seen it all Xavier and I don't know how you could do such things with that monster. You know how much he made my life miserable," howled the distraught Scott.

"The part with the soapy frogs, inflatable Wolverine doll and the rubber truncheon was the worst," said Kitty paling at the memory.

"Well I missed Magnus. Since he's been ruling Genosha we don't have time for fun like we used to. Nathaniel was lonely too since Remy and Victor refused to see him any more. He loved you as well Scott but knew it just wasn't too be," sighed Xavier.

"I don't want to hear it," gulped Scott.

"Well Nathaniel and I want to be together so I'm leaving the X-Men and you can be the leader now," said Xavier.

"I don't want the job at the moment, not right after suffering a nervous breakdown," moaned Scott.

"Hank will you be the leader?" asked Xavier.

"On the condition that Emma can be co-leader with me and that we put my brother on a separate team," said Hank.

Suddenly the window shattered as Dark Beast and Sabretooth rolled through it locked in a passionate embrace. They landed right on top of the unfortunate Xavier.

**Chapter 19**

"Oh how lovely a present for me from Hank," cooed Trish.

She opened it and a large amount of gray powder exploded out covering her entirely ruining her clothing and emitting a pungent odor.

"Oh s***, it ruined my camera," moaned Trish.

Twelve miles away the Jean-Beast followed the trail of the irresistibly smelling powder that Dark Beast had created…… mating time was close.

Bobby sat crouched on the far corner of the large bed watching the ongoing madness. Storm had called up a combination blizzard and lightning storm trying to simultaneously electrocute and freeze Logan while the latter was using the snow and ice to make rock hard snowballs to throw back at his lover.

"Handsome Robert is mine and mine alone nasty animal!"

"Not hardly darlin, and not if I got a say in it."

Jubilee snuck in aimed and shot a dart into Logan's nicely shaped… posterior.

He collapsed like a felled tree nearly crushing Bobby.

Storm froze in midair lightning crackling around her fingertips and stared down at her fallen mate. A few pafs sent her tumbling to the floor.

Jubilee headed for Bobby grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to his room where they saw Dark Beast in bed with Vic fulfilling his feral fantasies. The fuzzy gray one was shocked to see the young X-Men watching him aghast.

"Uh hello Bobby, look this really isn't what it looks like," began Dark Beast which of course broke Bobby's heart causing him to flee to the roof.

"You know I think we should have left you with Trish then at least you wouldn't have hurt Bobby," said Jubilee before going to her room to play doctor with her two favorite patients.

"I don't think that turned out too well at all," muttered Dark Beast before returning his attention to Vic's sideburns.

"Well my dear Charles are you sure about this decision?" asked Sinister neatly folding a pink and blue jumpsuit and stacking it inside Xavier's suitcase.

"Absolutely, if your little island paradise in the Seychelles is as pretty as you say it is, we might as well retire there," replied Charles who had escaped with a cracked rib and severe bruises from Creed and McCoy's little wrestle.

"What about the X-Men or should I say XXX-Men!" quipped Sinister.

Xavier went into hysterics from this awful joke.

The full moon lent a romantic air to the picnic and everyone was happy including Kurt who was mostly talking to himself.

Well actually he was flirting with the Phoenix but as she was invisible he looked a bit crazed to say the least. 

Remy and Rogue were trying out a new version of the Genoshan collar which was now available as an earring so it didn't get in the way. Unfortunately they kept falling off and Remy kept falling unconscious after every passionate kiss he shared with Rogue.

Raven had turned into a little girl and was using Mort's tongue as a skipping rope. "82, 83, one for Creed, one for Toynbee," she chanted in a child's voice as she jumped over the slippery tongue.

Suddenly a panicked woman in gray shredded clothes ran past out of the woods with a large red and gray haired creature which was growling, "Mate, mate, wait for Jean."

The picnickers could only look on in horror as Trish was captured by their transformed teammate and dragged back into the forest to meet a ghastly fate, her screams fading into the distance.

"Shouldn't we help her," asked Kurt.

"Non mon ami, we don't go to de rescue until Tuesday since we get no money till then," said Remy.

"I thought Hank was the leader now," said Kurt furrowing his brow.

"Yes but Emma handles the finances now and used all our money to buy some new white leather suits and things so we're out of cash until next week sugah," explained Rogue.

Kurt shrugged and went back to exchanging cookery lessons with Phoenix.

"I think this should remain our little secret wouldn't you say dearest," said Ororo looking down at the sleeping Logan.

"Even if it is tempting to take a picture and tease him with it," said Jubilee.

She pulled up the sheets over the three of them and gently stroked the sleeping Logan's hair while he was innocently sucking his thumb.

The roof of the mansion was an Antarctic wasteland in the midst of which was the crying Bobby. His beloved snuggly furry gray Hankster had betrayed him with an overgrown blonde werewolf who had all the morals of Jubilee on a sugar high.

"My DB betrayed me," wailed Bobby looking up to see Dark Beast looking at him anxiously.

"Go away you bastard, I hate you," yelled Bobby shooting an ice sheet towards Dark Beast.

Frost and icicles covering his fur Dark Beast fell to his knees and began weeping pitifully.

"Oh Bobby I am not worthy to pluck your nasal hairs or lick your boots clean with my tongue. I suffered the twisted vengeance of that most awful of beings. She took over my mind and body and forced me to mate with Victor Creed. Oh damn her for what she did to me. How could she stoop so low in her efforts to gain revenge on me," howled Dark Beast with superb acting skills.

"Oh man, what a fool I've been. I should have known it was Jean all along," gasped Bobby. Sobbing he embraced Dark Beast and buried his face in the silky gray fur. Dark Beast hugged him back and grinned with smug self satisfaction.

There was a knock at the door and Beast opened it to reveal the bedraggled forms of Trish Tilby and Martinique Jason.

"I hereby repent my wicked ways and I wish to join the X-Men," said Mastermind.

"Well you may do so if you promise not to cause any more trouble. I'm feeling magnanimous since I'm getting married the day after tomorrow," said Hank.

"Marti saved me from Jean and to show my good intentions I'm giving you a warning," explained Trish.

She told Hank that after they had escaped from the Jean-Beast they had a run in with Magneto and his Acolytes. Magneto had seen the news program and was upset about Xavier's affair with Sinister. Jean Grey had joined forces with him and they were planning to disrupt the wedding. 

"We must make a plan to stop them," mused Hank scratching his chin.

Little did they know that Apocalypse also planned to attend the wedding? He always liked to be at those happy occasions even though they always made him cry.

**Chapter 20**

"I am!"

"The heck you are!"

"I don't even know why you are discussing this when it is only natural that I-"

Emma, Kitty, Rogue, Jubilee, Raven and Bobby were arguing about whom would walk down the aisle first while the grooms watched with annoyed expressions.

"T'ink dey be done 'till August?" Remy asked Logan.

"Be lucky if it's Jubes baby shower," the feral growled then blushed red as he saw the Cajuns raised eyebrow.

Just as the discussion was about to turn violent Warren flew in carrying Bishop in his arms before landing amongst the squabbling brides. Flapping his wings he cleared his throat and said.

"You'd better add one more wedding to the list people since I just proposed to Bishop and he accepted. I'm rich, gay, blue and proud of it and I don't even have gray fur. So naturally I will be first."

Everyone pictured Angel in a white wedding dress and broke out into spontaneous laughter. Warren looked bewildered and turned to his chuckling fiancée.

"Did I say something wrong honey bunny?"

"No but I recommend you let we wear the wedding dress on our big day my dear," said Bishop before giving Warren a kiss.

"So my dear ally would you say this twisted plan of yours will wreak enough havoc to finally defeat the X-Men? Then I can take over the world and make everyone wear tight spandex!" purred Magneto while changing Jean Grey to her original aging self.

"Of course when I'm through with them they will be history," snarled Jean tossing back her red-dyed hair.

Magneto rolled his eyes and sighed at this talk of revenge. All he wanted was to teach Charles a lesson before forgiving him and claiming his heart once and for all. He frowned again as he surveyed his groupies, sorry Acolytes.

"Where are the ladies? I remember there being quite a few women in the group."

"My lord Voght and Cargill got married last year and moved to Hawaii. The rest recently took a job with Martinique Jason as prostitutes," answered Delgado.

"Thank you. Now time for my brilliant plan, we take Logan, Creed, LeBeau, both McCoys and Summers hostage and bring them to my private island where we pour this," he held up a large bottle containing a purple liquid, "on them. Then lock the door and let the others find them."

"What's in the bottle?" asked Chrome.

"The most powerful aphrodisiac in the entire known universe and five alternate dimensions!" explained Jean proudly.

Meanwhile Apocalypse was brushing his best suit and wondering if she would be there. After all he had been fighting the X-Men all this time just to give him an excuse to see her. Wiping his dress shoes he sang "Pretty Women" hopelessly out of tune.

Magneto was relieved when Amelia Voght, Cargill, Unuscione and Scanner returned to him more than happy to have the chance to serve the master they were all in love with. They chatted happily to Chrome, Delgado, Spoor, Senyaka, Vindaloo, and Skids, both Kleinstock brothers and all the other mutant followers.

Then Magneto noticed that three of his followers were still missing including his lover.

"What is the matter my soon to be husband?" purred Jean Grey seductively. The clingy black dress she was wearing would have been considered quite indecent by Emma Frost and on her the effect was quite ghastly.

"I'm just wondering where Melloncamp, Cortez and Pookie, I mean Exodus have got to," replied Magneto when he had recovered from his nausea.

Jean went to kiss Magneto and the poor old man suffered a minor stroke and collapsed. Unuscione, Cargill, Scanner and Voght rushed over to help him recover and Spoor growled angrily at Jean, his shaggy brown fur bristled with rage.

"Leave our esteemed leader alone!"

Meanwhile Exodus was reliving his days as a knight with the help of Cortez and Melloncamp. They were playing "Dragon-Slayer", his favorite game. At present Exodus was "fighting" Melloncamp. This involved the handsome black-haired knight and the hideous reptilian mutant rolling about in a highly dubious fashion (Dark Beast would have loved it!). Meanwhile Cortez awaited the victor, tastefully dressed in pink nightgown and fishnet stockings.

"Ooh save me my darlings," he simpered seductively.

"Oh there you are Paris ducky, come darling it's time to go and fight the X-Men. Then we can play "Lancelot and Guinevere" with Spoor if you like," cajoled Magneto.

"Oh yes my master, lovely Charles will be yours. Pray grant me a boon though," said the knight.

"Name it darling," said Magneto.

"Let Jean Grey be my love slave," said the poor misguided Exodus.

"Well I really am ashamed of you brother. How could you even think about doing a thing like that? It is most despicable behavior!" roared Hank.

"Well maybe I shouldn't have sent security camera footage of Emma Frost and Rogue in the shower to the Jerry Springer show. However it has paid for all of our honey moons," said Dark Beast soothingly.

Meanwhile an all out war had broken out between all the prospective brides. Ororo was dragging Sabretooth off to her bedroom thinking he was Logan. Martinique grinned mischievously as she wondered what would happen when the illusion wore off. Little did she think that the real one was right behind her and feeling rather hacked off? Cracking his knuckles he stepped behind her, tapped her on the shoulder and said in his sweetest tone.

"I thought ya wanted ta be one of the good guys now. So why's my lover calling Creed, "Wolvie"?"

"Oh sh-"gulped Marti before his fist connected with her jaw and she dropped to the ground unconscious. 

"Now fer yet another rescue of my darlin," growled Logan as he set off after Creed and Storm.


	9. The Acolytes Versus The XMen

**Chapter 21**

Jubilee lay under a heap of fighting women and she was seriously hacked off. Wrestling Emma's heel of her shoulder she fired off a large paf that sent the other brawlers flying all over the place.

"Okay I'm getting sick and tired of this so Mort is going to think of a number between one and a hundred and the one who guesses closest gets married first."

The others nodded and made their guesses and finally Mort announced that the number was fifty five.

"Ah won, ah won! I can't believe it, ahm first tah go Remy. Isn't that wonderful sugah," cheered Rogue as she hugged her future husband and nearly cracked six of his ribs.

The Acolytes plane was heading for New Jersey where they would hide until the day of the attacks. Delgado was seated behind Magneto and he kept sighing sorrowfully and Chrome sat next to him, concerned for his comrade.

"So have you told him yet?" asked Chrome.

"No, I mean he might be angry and not let me work for him any more. It's better like this," said Delgado shaking his head.

Voght rolled her eyes as she listened to the conversation. Delgado had always had a crush on Magneto from the beginning but he had never acted on his feelings. Maybe she could help him find the courage to tell Magneto and make him see that Xavier had been a mistake as that frumpy dyed haired floozy certainly was.

Ororo had finished stroking Creed's sideburns and was now kissing him passionately. Instantly she stopped and broke the embrace gasping, "You're not Logan since he would never be such a lousy kisser. Only you could have such bad breath Creed!"

Victor flushed crimson and flung his head in shame. He had so hoped he could get a pet for Raven when she was in her lesbian phase.

A grinning Logan then made his entrance, arms spread wide and growling seductively, "Come here darlin." Storm happily rushed to him and began smothering him with kisses while Creed sighed and thought longingly of Dark Beast.

Apocalypse waited for the pizza delivery service while washing his best lacey silk panties in the kitchen sink. Sighing he reflected on how washing machines always chose the most inopportune times to stop working. If he wanted to enchant his enthralling beauty everything had to be perfect including the black thong and his bra.

"Excuse me great big handsome, hairy and muscular feral but where may my illustrious master find the noble beast-man known as Logan?" asked Exodus politely.

"In there with Ororo who I love so much," sighed Victor.

"Oh poor heart, let me comfort you," said Exodus. He hugged Creed tightly and the feral grinned having found a pet for Mystique after all.

"Exodus has located Logan oh master but has unfortunately become distracted," said Cortez.

"No matters, Melloncamp, Cortez, and Jean Grey accompany me as I attend to this matter personally," said Magneto.

"Anything you say my darling," purred Jean Grey seductively.

"Tramp," muttered Voght under her breath.

Logan growled fiercely as he caught the scent of Jean Grey just before magnetic force ripped the door of its hinges.

"By the goddess, what's happening?" gasped Ororo. Jean Grey smiled coldly and sent the thought of being buried under tons of rocks to Ororo. The claustrophobic woman could do nothing but scream in horror.

"Well done Jean. Now go and fetch a couple of negligees, a rubber truncheon, inflatable Spider-man doll, manacles, Wellingtons and a stuffed wallaby oh and an ostrich feather duster too. Cortez you're with me," ordered Magneto.

"I'm gonna rip ya ta shreds Eric. Prepare ta die," snarled Logan.

"Oh I'm so scared. Remember when I pulled the adamantium right out of you and nearly killed you," sneered Magneto.

"Oh yeah well remember when I popped my claws through yer chest and nearly killed you," growled Logan.

Unfortunately Cortez got behind him and used his powers to boost Logan's senses to the point of agony. He stuck a clove of garlic in front of Logan's nose while Melloncamp scraped his claws down a piece of slate. Logan collapsed in agony and Magneto began stroking the feral's hair.

"What lovely shaggy sable bangs. Now Jean use your telepathic mind control to keep him placid while I use my magnetic control to literally operate him like a puppet due to his adamantium laced skeleton. He will be my love slave and we shall play weird games of our own. We'll use the camcorder to record it all and send it off to Xavier. Then he will be jealous and realize he wants me back," said Magneto outlining his plan.

Unfortunately for Magnus, Jubilee, Remy, Bobby, McCoy, Emma and Hank were just outside the door and had overheard Magneto's little speech.

"Let's teach the old bastard a lesson he'll never forget," snarled Jubilee.

"Yes my dear and I have an evil little plan that will do very nicely," said Dark Beast.

Emma removed a little pulsating orb from her cleavage and handed it to Jubilee. "Here this was to be your wedding present Jubilee but I think you can put it to better use now. It's Jean Grey's telepathic powers." Jubilee picked up the tiny ball and swallowed it whole.

"No wonder Logan choose her as deir lady for him," Remy muttered under his breath before screaming for mercy as he felt a telekinetic grip clamping around a most delicate portion of his anatomy.

"Cool, it works! How come though the Red Menace was able to put the mojo on Storm?" asked Jubilee as Emma smiled evilly.

"I made her believe that she still had her powers. I actually sent the images to Storm with a message telling her to play along with it as it was only an illusion."

"Is she not the most perfect woman in the world," said Hank rhetorically in whispered admiration.

"Maybe she is but we've still got to save Logan and kick Magneto's butt. Any ideas oh fuzzy gray one?"

"Fortunately my idea is so brilliantly simple that even morons like you can comprehend it. Cause all the Acolytes to develop irresistible libido towards their messiah then cause irreparable damage to his operations," replied Dark Beast.

"You mean make them fall for Magneto and then blow his base to kingdom come," said Bobby.

"Precisely my cryogenic paramour,"

Meanwhile Logan woke up on the plane, tied up along with Warren, Bishop, Creed and Toad who were all dressed as princesses. Looking down at himself he found he was wearing merely a lilac bra and an emerald fishtail around his legs and a coral shell necklace around his neck.

"There ain't no way I'm going ta be Eric's little mermaid." Logan growled before deciding to feign unconsciousness and eavesdrop.

"Look you really should tell him Delgado. How can you let your only love get treated like that? He's being chased by that, that whore and you're just sitting here, doing nothing," fumed Voght.

"I can't though, I'm just too shy," howled the Acolyte bursting into tears.

"Well maybe I can do something to help," mused Logan.

Just then the plane was brought to a halt as it was caught in a powerful force-field. The door opened and Apocalypse stepped inside.

"I am here to claim my bride. Now stand aside or I shall undress myself in front of you."

Of course everyone screamed in horror and disgust and went to hide in a corner while Apocalypse turned to Jean.

"Now my lovely mate will you marry me?"

**Chapter 22**

"I'd rather screw a dead dog than be your bride you ****ing ****bag," said Jean Grey cruelly.

Apocalypse promptly burst into tears when Cable suddenly arrived having traveled back from the future once again.

"Apocalypse I have something I need to tell you. Wait why are you crying?" asked Cable.

"Jean Grey rejected me. I just want to die," sobbed Apocalypse.

"Don't cry any more because I'm here for you now and forever. Apocalypse I love you," 

"You do? You know I've always had this thing for you as well. Shall we get married?"

"Yes we shall my darling."

The happy couple kissed and then teleported away together.

The Acolytes were stunned by this and Delgado finally got up his courage and told Magneto his true feelings for him.

"Yes you may be my lover as long as you don't mind sharing me with Exodus and Cortez and occasionally Spoor and Melloncamp," said Magneto graciously.

Meanwhile Jean Grey faced a furious and very angry Logan now wearing his usual battle uniform. She tried and failed to summon up her telekinesis and was horror stricken.

"Oh s***, of all the times," she moaned.

"Prepare ta die ya tawdry trollop," snarled Logan impaling her through the gut with his claws. With a scream the stricken witch stumbled back and out of the open door plummeting towards the ground so far below.

"How dare you slay the lovely Jean Grey you nasty little man, you shall perish for this," hissed Exodus.

Then there was a familiar bamf and the smell of sulfur and brimstone. Standing before Magneto and the Acolytes were Emma, Kurt, Hank, Bobby, Raven, Remy, Rogue, Scott, Ororo and the apparent leader McCoy.

"Hello Acolytes and welcome to these final moments for I am Dark Beast and these are my Uncanny X-Men."

"Who said he could be the leader?" asked Raven.

"I did after he threatened to set up a web cam in the ladies showers and put the footage on the Internet," explained Hank.

"You know Apocalypse we could really do with someone around here to clean up and do all the chores," said Cable.

"I have just the person in mind," said Apocalypse.

Jean was about to hit the ground at terminal velocity when she was snatched through a portal and teleported to Cable and Apocalypse's palace where she would spend the rest of her miserable life as their slave.

Exodus was watching this from the plane even as the inevitable full out battle to the death was occurring all around him.

"Poor Jean Grey how I wish I could have taken your place," sighed the knight miserably.

That's when Jubilee blew her fuse and kicked him off the plane.

"Go ask Cable and maybe you'll get to marry her,"

Luckily the portal was still open and he also ended up in Apocalypse's bedroom where he joined him and Cable in a threesome and enjoyed some interesting bondage games.

Back on the plane Storm had Voght in a vice grip, Melloncamp was wrestling with Hank, Bobby was stroking Spoors fur thinking he was McCoy when Chrome suddenly called out, "Wait why do we need to fight? I mean Magneto only wanted to get Xavier back but he's happy with Delgado and the rest of us more or less have what we want. So why are we beating each other senseless as usual?"

"Debts bub, where the heck do ya think we get the money fer all the equipment like the shirts I keep getting ripped? We're testing the next generation of spandex fer the flaming WWE," growled Logan while beating Cortez to a pulp while the latter was pulling Logan's sideburns to try and subdue him.

"Well I just wanted to be sure we had a good reason for tearing each other apart," sighed Chrome as Sabretooth continued to use him as a chew toy.

Dark Beast was lurking away from the main action recording it all on his camcorder to play back later. He got a kick out of watching men in spandex wrestling about with each other. He was keeping an eye out for ripped clothes hoping for a glimpse of naked flesh and wishing he was Spoor who Bobby was now kissing passionately. Then a red gloved hand tapped him on his furry shoulder.

"So vile creature you are the one who exposed my darling Xavier's shameful secrets to the entire world and destroyed any chance of a renewed relationship between us. I expect it was your fault that he cheated on me in the first place," snapped Magneto bitterly.

"Wrong old man and Sinister was far from the first. How did you think I ever managed to infiltrate the X-Men incognito without the most powerful telepath on Earth knowing? The answer is he did but I managed to seduce him into letting me stay. He said I was far better in bed than you ever were," said Dark Beast sneeringly.

"You sick furry bastard. I'll have you skinned and made into a rug," snarled Magneto preparing to use his magnetic power to kill McCoy in a variety of imaginative ways.

With preternatural agility Dark Beast leapt out of range and grabbed hold of Logan shoving him towards Magneto while knocking out Cortez with a fist to the jaw. Fortunately for McCoy Jubilee and Ororo were too busy beating up the Kleinstock Brothers and Melloncamp to notice. Magneto's magnetic blast instead attracted the adamantium in Wolverine's bones and pulled him towards Magneto colliding with him with devastating force. Magneto slumped to the floor dazed and bruised. The Acolytes turned to see Wolverine with his claws at their master's throat and decided to call a truce.

In the end the Acolytes surrendered and flew the X-Men back to the mansion where the weddings of Magneto, Delgado, Cortez, Spoor and Melloncamp were added to the big day ahead. Alas for Spoor he decided that a relationship with Bobby just wasn't to be.

"That was very sneaky my dear brother but a commendable victory nonetheless," said Hank to Dark Beast.

"I try my best and don't look now but Exodus is here," replied McCoy.

"I've escaped and decided to renounce evil and join the X-Men. I was rescued by this lovely lady and I wish to marry her," explained Exodus.

Martinique had eagerly accepted now that she had finally decided to be a good girl. One more wedding was thus added to the list. As for Spoor he had asked Trish Tilby to marry him claiming he was the nearest thing to an unclaimed Beast and she had accepted him making him a very happy fur-ball.

Everyone decided to have an early night but nobody was expecting to get much sleep since they were all too excited about the big day ahead. Some rather dubious activities were helping to occupy the time until the wedding and the supply of rubber truncheons had long since run out.


	10. Wedding Bells Are Ringing

Disclaimers: Aw, gimme a break and a half! Standard!

Well, this part is rather something to test, how gross-and-fluff-proof your stomachs are. 

Beware, not much laughs, but plenty disturbing images ahead! Keep a barf-bag handy!

Reviews: Yesss, pleeease, reviews, yummy, drool!

Between leather and lime

**Chapter 23**

"But Kitty, you can't wear that for our wedding! It's blue-and-black- leather!" 

Scott begged.

Kitty just gave him a confused look.

"And?" He rolled his eyes.

"And brides are supposed to wear silk, or chiffon, so they look like flowers, not like _Hell's Angels_!" 

replied a somewhat exasperated Cyke.

"Ooh. Well, then I'll go with this. Better?"

Scott only gagged at the sight of the neon-green dress.

Snuggled up against Exodus, Martinique was blissfully unaware, that Jubes, 

Logan and Storm were unravelling the seams on her wedding gown.

"Take care, that they don't spin out, until she's standing before the altar!" hushed Jubilee, 

lighting the closet.

"Ya think, this'll work, darlin'?" asked Wolverine, snipping off strings with one claw.

"Put your worries aside, beloved, for not only am I mistress of the weather, but also of the needle!" 

whispered Ororo, while loosening the main threads.

A small box in his hand, Hank knocked at Remy's door.

"Merde, **toujours** comme il est-"

The door flew open, and Gambit, wearing nothing but a sheet and a frown, glared at Beast.

Rogue waved dazedly from under the covers, 

a broad grin plastered on her face.

Hank, polite as always, waved back, then turned to Remy.

"I wanted to hand this to you, for I assume, my common sense will be hovering in a dissimilar dimension tomorrow. 

It is the most recent replica of the Genoshan collar. Enjoy!"

With that, he dropped the case in Remy's hand and went back to Emma, a white leather suit, 

and several cans of blackberry syrup…

Slamming the door shut, the Cajun returned to his spot on the bed and peeked inside the box.

"Oh wow!" said Rogue, when she saw the large emeralds embedded in the delicate, silver frame.

Remy gasped incredulous:

"Dis stones be expensive, chère! I know, 'cause I stole 'em once, 

and t'en dey get stolen from Gambit again. Dat **never** 'appen t' me again, so swear Remy!

Rogue giggled, after all, it had been _her_, who had stolen the jewels from her fiancée…

"Now, my dear, how come, I get to be the bride?" asked Magneto, 

while Delgado removed the last pins from the white-and-scarlet chiffon dress he was working on.

"Because, beloved leader, you weigh less than me, and there are no heels in this world, that would support my weight. Besides, it's easier to fix the flowers on _your_ hair, since you _got_ hair", 

sighed the Acolyte, imagining, how pretty Magnus would look like, adorned with red roses on his white mane. 

Long, shaggy sable hair was tied in a neat pony tail.

Grey fur had been neatly groomed and the new goatee he was growing for Bobby added to his looks.

Dark Beast was immaculate in his tuxedo, and rather rapturous.

The cause of his merriment was the special ingredient he had added to the icing of the wedding cake. 

His successful experiment on a substance that would cause temporary loss of all inhibition would make for an interesting wedding.

He had already rung up Trish Tilby to arrange for news coverage.

"Oh Wolvie, you look so _handsome_!" breathed Jubilee.

"So do you, darlin'", stuttered Logan.

Just as their lips met, Marti's telepathic illusion took hold, 

and the pair ended up kissing an illusion of Mr. Sinister.

"She is _so_ going to die", hissed Ororo.

"Wait till she finds out, what we did ta her dress", grinned Logan menacingly. 

"I think, this is the perfect solution, my dear.

My brother will be contented to pilot his individual team of X-Men in their own separate base", said Hank.

"It will keep him out of our hair as well. Speaking of which, how do you like how I've done it?" 

asked Emma anxiously.

"Magnificent" hushed Hank, as he kissed her hairdo.

"Neat, Raven. Now why don't ya change into Logan, ya know, it's my favourite.

Then ya can turn inta Kurt fer Mort, so he doesn't feel left out", growled Creed happily.

Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad were still in bed playing weird sex games, 

which are too disturbing to contemplate.

Chapter 24 

A beautiful day and a wary priest awaited the numerous couples at the altar.

The poor man nearly got a seizure, when he caught sight of some of the brides and grooms.

Warren, following Bishop's advise, wore a long tux dress,

 tone-in-tone with his beloved ones pale blue and golden suit.

A small hat and azure lipstick highlighted Warrens short, golden waves and blue features.

Scott wore his old, classic suit, but Kitty's loud, orange puffy-arms dress with matching accessories, seemed to scream:

"_Shoot me, I'm a fashion nerd!_"

Several fights erupted between those _with_ and those _without _sunglasses.

In perfect sync with the blue sky and the forget-me-not's in his ochre hair, 

Bobby's gown complimented both his and Dark Beast's eyes. 

Emma had white roses added to her rather vogue hairdo, but the only thing that saved her from the vice squad was the large, white satin rose, that covered her breasts. Her whole dress appeared to be one _big_ cleavage.

She clung on to a perfectly cleaned up Hank, who displayed a very tasteful pale rose wardrobe.

Indigo, scarlet and bright red were Kurt and the Phoenix' choice, 

although the bride's dress seemed to consist mainly of flames and wings.

A dream in white and green sauntered past the rows, when Rogue and Remy joined the others, 

due to the inhibitor's newest addition, a tiny, silver tiara with a huge, gleaming emerald, 

to fit the ones in her ears and around her neck.

Her shoulder-free, wide-skirted dress with the deep v-cut was as classic as Rogue was romantic, 

and Remy's white tux made him the perfect drool-object.

Just as the priest was about to sigh in relief, he saw Raven and Vic showing up.

Creed, sand and auburn his suit, looked like he was heading for a safari, 

while Mystique wore nothing but creamy white shreds-

**that** would teach her to include her wedding gown in their kinky games. 

 Unaware of her oncoming embarrassment, Martinique strolled down the aisle like Kate Moss, 

the deep purple she had chosen clashing terribly with Exodus' pine-green tux.

"Dey look, like dey gonna bury Rover, hen?" whispered Remy to Rogue, who was busy giggling and gagging.

Being the maids of honour (kind of), Ororo and Mort fit well together in apricot and mint deux-pièces.

And finally, the couple everybody was waiting for:

Who would have thought, Logan would look _that_ good in a marine-blue suit-

let alone, be able to get a clean shave?

Jubilee's silky hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders, daises formed a little crown around her head, 

a barely visible veil dropping from them.

Sleeveless, her gown gave decent, lilac reflections and added to her eye-shadow and pouty, dark rose lips.

_That's_ when out of literally nowhere Apocalypse, Magneto, Xavier, Trish Tilby and the rest of their collective gangs showed up.

****************************************

Are you _still _here?

Oh well, then I guess, you won't mind, when we throw more insanity in your way…hehehee.

And please remember:

We loooooooooooooooooovvvvvee reviews!!!


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